


Ring

by Belsmomaus



Series: Malec - Advent Calendar 2018 [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Future Fic, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Doubt, Wonderful Husband Magnus Bane, but the near future, married Malec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 15:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16977090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belsmomaus/pseuds/Belsmomaus
Summary: After a difficult mission, the consequences as well as exhaustion and stress and guilt have Alec spiraling back into old habits. He doubts himself, his leadership qualities… nothing seems certain anymore. Not even Magnus’ love for him.Magnus, of course, is having none of it!





	Ring

**Author's Note:**

> With 'ring' and 'Malec' this fic could've easily become a proposal fic, but it didn't. My muse went a different rode, as always demanding a touch of angst ;)

_**Ring** _

Alec

 

It was late and yet the city didn’t seem to care. Bright lights shone through the darkness, painting the city below in hues of white and yellow, blue and red, even the occasional green. The noises of traffic filled the air, although faint up here, barely more than a background hum. A beautiful view on a warm night. Inviting to join the hustle down in the streets, or at least to enjoy the playful dance of flickering lights against the not quite black night sky.

Yet Alec had no eye for any of that. Not tonight.

The warm light from the living room spilled out onto the balcony all around him, but he faced away from it, his unseeing gaze towards the city and his mind miles away. With his shoulders slumped his elbows leaned heavily against the banister, his hands clasped together in front of him.

He had lost two men today. Good men. Good soldiers. Both leaving partners behind, one even two kids. Two lives lost because of his decisions. On some level he knew that his course of action had been the right thing to do. He knew that they were soldiers and that their line of work was a dangerous one. He knew that being the Head of the Institute meant making tough decisions and sending others into danger. He _knew_ that. He’d done it so many times, but _losing_ people never got easier.

And no matter how much he _knew_ that it was the right choice, he couldn’t help questioning himself. Doubting himself.

If he had done anything differently, would they still be alive?

Jace would probably wack him around the head if he could hear his thoughts right now. But Jace was back at the Institute, sleeping the sleep of the just. He’d been on his feet for 38 hours straight.

Barely longer than himself if he came to think of it.

With a long sigh he lifted his still clasped hands to his face and rubbed his eyes, then his cheeks, not really sure if he was trying to coax himself back into wakefulness or convince himself to give in to his exhaustion and just rest.

If only his mind would let him.

He opened his eyes again and a tiny flash of light caught his eyes. On his hand. His left hand. The light from the living room reflected in the gold band around his finger.

He turned his hand a bit to get a better look. It was still weird, seeing a ring on his finger, let alone wearing one. Jewelry had never held any interest for him and yet here he was, wearing a ring. Even now, weeks later, the tiny weight felt still strange on his hand.

Magnus had picked the ring – of course he had.

It was a surprisingly simple band of gold, straightforward and down to the point, like Alec himself. And yet it was shimmering golden in the warm light from behind, beautiful and iridescent as Magnus, but even though the color was almost the same, it couldn’t reach the beauty that were Magnus’ eyes. His real ones.

Of course he knew the ring was anything from simple. Magnus had implemented all kinds of protective magic into it. He’d _insisted_ on it.

Right on cue a set of warm hands wrapped around his middle. Soft lips tickled feather light kisses against the nape of his neck, before Magnus’ body pressed up against his back and his chin came to rest on his shoulder. And Alec leaned back into the embrace, into this feeling of being home, seeking the tranquility, that peace of mind that only Magnus could offer.

Only today was one of _those_ days. His mind too wound up. His guilt too heavy.

“You’re still out here.”

The things Magnus _didn’t_ say filled the air, heavy with worry.

_Don’t beat yourself up!_

_Talk to me!_

_You did the right thing!_

_You don’t have to do this alone._

_I’m here for you._

_I love you._

“Mmhm,” he hummed, unsure what else to say.

“Why don’t we call it a night? You must be exhausted.”

And he was. He really was. His limbs were heavy and his eyelids felt like sandpaper against his tired eyes.

He shook his head. “I can’t. Not yet.”

Magnus gave a little sigh, his arms squeezing a tiny bit tighter around him, just before he unwrapped himself with another kiss to his neck. But he didn’t leave, instead he grabbed his hand and led him over to the love seat in the corner.

“Then I’ve got just the thing!” Magnus’ free hand twisted into an elaborate swirl. Blue magic played across his fingers for a second, beautiful and ethereal as ever, then it was gone. But two steaming cups waited on the table for them.

Something inside him unfurled, just a tiny bit, just enough to make his insides ache.

Sitting down next to Magnus he wrapped his hands around the cup, letting the warmth seep into his cold fingers. The smell of herbs and foreign spices tickled his nose, the aromas painting the picture of Magnus amidst his apothecary, brewing a potion with a little bit of this and a little bit of that. A picture that shouldn’t be as calming as it was, given the ingredients that could be found in all those little jars and boxes.

He put the tea back down again. He wasn’t ready for that calm. Not yet.

Not when people had died because of him.

Why should he deserve to feel calm and relaxed and loved when two families had been destroyed that day?

“Hey, come here.” Magnus tugged at his arm, his voice as gentle as his touch. And Alec followed him, without question and without hesitation.

Magnus settled into the corner of the couch, one leg up against the backrest, beckoning him to lean back against him. Which he did. A soft kiss was whispered against his temple and elegant fingers trailed soothingly up and down his arms before Magnus’ right hand came to rest on his upper arm and his left hand slid across his belly until it found Alec’s right and their fingers intertwined.

Alec sighed. He didn’t deserve this. But he wasn’t strong enough to pull away either.

So he just lay there.

Looking at their hands. One pale and bland, the other a beautiful caramel, adorned with rings and black nail polish. So different. So very different.

Magnus’ leg shifted a bit and with it Alec’s left hand that rested upon it. And _flash_. The ring on his finger caught the light again. A quick golden sparkle against the dim light on the balcony. It drew his eyes. How could it not?

And right then and there, with their hands only inches apart from each other, the difference struck him. It had never registered with him before, not like this. But now that he noticed he couldn’t look away. Couldn’t help _thinking_.

That ring on his hand, simple as it may be, it stood out. It drew one’s eye, reflecting the light in its warm glow, and it seemed to shout into the world: _Behold! My heart belongs to someone_ _special_ _!_

Magnus’ hand drew one’s gaze as well. Nail polish here; lavish, squiggly rings there. The simple golden band almost vanished against his warm skin tone. It was there, but more like an afterthought. An addition that didn’t really fit the overall picture of abundance and twinkling silver.

“Alexander?”

“Hm?”

“What’s wrong? You’re all tense all of a sudden.”

His instincts wanted him to deny it. It took him opening his mouth to speak to notice that his teeth were clenched so tightly that the tension spilled over into his neck and down his shoulders. He forced his muscles to relax again. Not very successfully, though.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

There was a quiet sigh, not far from his ear. Magnus leaned closer, his cheek pressing against Alec’s hair. “No, you’re not. I’m right here.” A kiss against his temple. “Just talk to me, Alexander. Please.”

Nothing good would come from voicing his thoughts. Not tonight of all nights.

But hearing the man he loved more than anything in the world so worried… he hated it. Hated being the cause of it even more.

“Their deaths weren’t your fau...” Magnus started just when Alec lifted his right hand, still holding on tight to his lover’s. No, his husband’s. And Magnus fell silent.

Alec turned his hand a bit until Magnus’ hand was in their line of view. He sighed. “You can hardly even see it.”

The moment the words were out he wished he could take them back. He didn’t want to open up the opportunity to actually _hear_ the confirmation of his gloomy thoughts. And he certainly didn’t want to hurt Magnus.

It was too late now.

“See what?” The confusion was obvious in Magnus’ tone.

Alec couldn’t help the huff that escaped his chest. _That’s exactly the point!_

A second ticked by, then another one.

He could pinpoint the exact moment Magnus understood. His whole body tensed behind him, his breaths came just that tiny fraction faster. And harsher. Ruffling the hair right next to his ear. Any other time he would’ve liked that tickling feeling, but now it held this strange kind of suspense that made his skin crawl.

“Alexander...” His voice shook. It never did that.

It shook with shock. With surprise.

_You never cease to surprise me, Alexander._

The memory mocked him. Taunted him.

And Alec reached out with his free hand, his fingertips trailing along the edges of flashy rings, until they gently caressed the bland looking wedding band in the end. He didn’t know why he was doing it. To torture himself? To hurt Magnus, who didn’t deserve any of this, even more?

“It looks out of place... Barely visible and out of place.”

_Like me._

_Barely visible next to this magnificent, flamboyant man._

_Out of place. In this apartment. His job. His life._

The words hung in the air. Unspoken and yet almost tangible.

Magnus moved. Pushing him up, wriggling free. Pulling his hand out of Alec’s grasp.

Alec closed his eyes. Didn’t want to see him leave.

He’d hurt him. Hurt the man he loved. He’d known this wouldn’t end well. Maybe this was all he was good at: hurting people.

“Hey!”

A pair of warm hands grabbed his own and squeezed his fingers gently.

Magnus was still there.

“Look at me!”

And Alec did, because he just couldn’t say no to this man.

Magnus sat on the small table right in front of him, their knees almost touching. There’s an intensity in his dark eyes that Alec wasn’t sure he could handle right now. Caught by that gaze – half mesmerized, half terrified by it – he almost missed the way Magnus pushed Alec’s hands together, turned them palms up and molded them into a small hollow.

Then those warm hands were suddenly gone, moving in between them. The perfect excuse to flee that intense gaze.

Magnus had pulled one of his rings off. The big signet ring with the letter ‘B’ on it. He held it up, right in between both of their lines of vision.

“This ring is able to absorb magical energy and render it harmless. I used it at the party for Max’ rune ceremony to lift Iris’ curse.” With those words he dropped the ring into Alec’s hands.

He didn’t know what to say. And he never got a chance to since Magnus went on, pulling his other signet ring off, the one with the letter ‘M’.

“This one I use as an energy storage. It holds a part of my magic, a last reserve for really desperate times.”

The soft clanking as both rings nudged against each other when the second joined the first in Alec’s hands sounded unnaturally loud in his ears.

The next ring followed, an intricate design usually adorning one of Magnus’ thumbs.

“This one holds a protection spell. It turns cold in the presence of strong magic, like barriers or magical traps. Or unstable spells.”

It was also dropped into his hands.

The next one took a moment longer, but in the end it dangled in front of his eyes as well: a silver ring, attached to a blinking chain that connected with the chain of an armband.

“And this is just a piece of ordinary jewelry. I like the way it moves against my skin.”

Link for link the chain dropped into his hands as well.

And he was overly aware of the weight in his hands now.

Magnus closed his hands around Alec’s. Those long and elegant fingers around his were completely bare except for the nail polish and the wedding ring.

Naked.

Vulnerable.

Private.

Even after all this time it was strange seeing Magnus without his rings. They were a part of him. He only ever took them off to sleep. And even then he sometimes forgot them.

“All of these rings have something in common. They fulfill a _purpose_. Be it magical protection or just simple decoration. But this one...” Magnus held his left hand up, that intensity back in his eyes as he rubbed his wedding band with his thumb. “This one, Alexander, is the only one that holds _meaning_!”

Alec had to swallow. His throat suddenly tight when faced with that quiet force behind that gentle voice.

And he saw the love and adoration in those beautiful eyes before him.

He _knew_ that Magnus loved him. Of course he knew.

He also knew that it was just this damn day, this damn combination of exhaustion, stress and guilt that made him question everything. That made him fall back into old habits of thinking that he’d thought overcome by now. So why couldn’t he just shake it off? Why was it still there? This stupid nagging feeling whenever he looked at the golden wedding bands on their hands. What did it take to get rid of it if even that heartfelt declaration from his husband couldn’t do the trick?

A gentle touch at his chin broke through the maelstrom in his mind. Just the barest of touches of a single finger, yet it was enough. Enough to look up again at his breathtakingly beautiful husband. So full of life itself. The determination in his dark eyes was only rivaled by the love in them. Fond and gentle and warm.

Alec could barely take it, for once glad he wasn’t looking at Magnus’ golden cat-eyes, for he knew _that_ look out of _those_ eyes would be his undoing. And yet he wished to drown in them nonetheless.

“You know that this ring – _our_ ring – is the only golden piece of jewelry I have.”

Of course Alec knew that. That was part of the _point_. If anything, that fact alone highlighted it even more how unlike Magnus this ring was. So _why_ did he pick it then?

Magnus seemed to pick up on his train of thought, judging from his expression. He skidded a bit closer, their legs touching, and reached for Alec’s left hand. Alec shuffled the assortment of rings into his right palm, unwilling to put them aside completely, and took Magnus’ offered hands.

“Do you know about the meaning of gold in matters of alchemy and magic?”

The question took Alec off guard.

He knew that gold was a good conductor for magic, but the meaning of the metal itself? Or the color? He had no idea at all. It shouldn’t come as a surprise though, _everything_ seemed to have a special meaning or properties when it came to magic. And if anyone knew of them it was Magnus.

“I don’t. I only know that for a shadowhunter gold symbolizes marriage.”

“Indeed.” Magnus smiled warmly at him, before that smile turned almost a tad mischievous. “Colors often have very different meaning to Shadowhunters than others, but in this case your kind isn’t so far off the right track. To a warlock, gold is always a symbol for the most important part of something, that one integral thing at the center that holds everything together and gives it meaning.”

Alec listened intently, trying to understand what Magnus was saying. It sounded like… did he really mean…

Magnus cupped his face with his hands now, distracting him from his thoughts.

“From a purely magical point of view, gold is perfection.”

His mind was reeling. Trying to wrap itself around the enormity of what Magnus was implying – although he didn’t need to imply, the pure reverence on his face said it all.

_Gold is perfection._

It’s too much.

So his mind grabbed onto the first thing it could grasp that didn’t make him face himself, seen by someone else. And so the first thing that came to his mind upon hearing those words were Magnus’ eyes.

“Alexander,” again Alec looked right at the man he loved, knowing what would be next and yet he felt utterly unprepared for it. “To me, you are perfection.”

And there they were. The words he’d been afraid to hear, because he was anything but. He was a mess.

They were still music to his ears. Soothing like a lullaby. Warm like a fluffy blanket.

Magnus loved him. All of him.

To him he’d never be invisible or bland, their life together never just an afterthought. How could he have ever thought differently?

His thoughts must have shown on his face for Magnus’ smile grew bigger and his posture softened, losing the tension Alec only noticed now.

“I’m s-”

“Don’t. There’s no need.”

Alec leaned forward, his free hand pulling at Magnus’ shirt, until their lips finally met in a kiss. It was more than a kiss, though. It was a wordless apology and an affirmation of worth. It was the answer to a need he hadn’t been aware of. And it was a promise all over again. To love and to cherish. No matter what.

When they parted, their foreheads kept touching, their breaths still mingled. Alec licked his lips, savoring every last drop of Magnus on his tongue.

“But that’s not the only reason I chose gold for our rings.” Magnus’ voice was barely above a whisper. Quiet and careful, almost insecure. It’s the kind of tone he sometimes used when sharing something very personal, something he had never shared with anyone before. “Synthesizing gold was once the thriving force of all alchemy. Not anymore. But today, because of it, in alchemy gold is the symbol for a journey.”

Confused and curious Alec pulled back a bit, reluctant to leave their shared space, but the need to _see_ his husband for this overruled his need to be as close to him as possible.

“What journey?” His voice sounded hoarse.

“The journey of transforming oneself into someone of value. And that’s what you did to me, Alexander.”

Alec’s eyes widened in shock at those words. At the whole enormity of it. At being so absorbed in his insecurities that he’d completely forgotten that Magnus was still occasionally plagued by his own.

His hands let go of his husband’s shirt, instead cupping that face that he loved so much. The open vulnerability there made his heart ache. He pulled him closer, holding the gaze of brown eyes with a desperate intensity.

“Don’t ever tell me again you had no value before meeting me! You’re the most brilliant, caring, loyal, charis-”

A pair of hot lips on his own cut him off mid-sentence. The kiss was fierce and full of intense emotion, as if they both tried to convey their messages of worth this way. Burning it into the other’s very soul with fiery passion.

When they eventually parted they were both breathing hard. A big, fond smile spread on his lips the moment he opened his eyes again to find that Magnus’ glamour was gone. His golden eyes shone bright in the lights from the living room. He would never get tired of this beautiful sight.

_Perfection indeed!_

Magnus reached out with his left hand to entwine his fingers with Alec’s left hand. He held their hands up, just so that the light from inside caught on the metal of both their golden rings. Almost, but not quite as beautiful as those eyes.

“No matter how much jewelry I wear, this ring will always be the only one that _means_ something to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just couldn't get that image of Alec's and Magnus' hands next to each other out of my head and how different their wedding ring would look on them. That's what sparked this whole story.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
